Unholy Matrimony
by Scytherageroses
Summary: Lu Meng's finally had enough, and pulls the ultimate prank on Gan Ning and Ling Tong. When they wake up in the morning, they realize they're married! Can they survive long enough to exact revenge on Lu Meng, or will they fall for each other?
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

"I think you've had enough, princess."

"Shut the fuck up, I'll tell you when I've had enough!"

"Oh, is that so? That's about five beers, one glass of whiskey and seven vodka shots. Don't you think that'll mess up your figure, baby?"

"Bastard pervert, stop looking at me like that!"

"Those eyes, that body, you're just asking to be fucked."

Lu Meng sighed. He held his hand over his forehead and watched the never-ending argument between Gan Ning and Ling Tong. He had only recently found them at the nearby pub, going by Lu Xun's words, and as soon as he walked in, they were screaming over the loud music.

A hand brushed against his frame, and the brunette shouted,"DON'T TOUCH ME!", more like a womanly shriek, that caused Gan Ning to back away, holding his hands up, and Lu Meng to stomp over to them.

"Well...excuse me, princess!" Gan Ning shouted, walking out of the room. He locked eyes with Lu Meng, nodded and said,"Old Man.", walking away, out the door, and back to Sun Manor.

"That scumbag...piece of shit..." Ling Tong snapped, clenching his fist. "Hey. You do anymore of that, and your fingernails'll go through your skin. Now come on, let's get out of here." Lu Meng said, wrapping his arm around Ling Tong's shoulders.

"But what about the tab?" Ling Tong asked. Lu Meng sighed again and went into his pocket, slapping money on the bar,"Now let's go." "I'm fine." Ling Tong said.

But Lu Meng knew better. Allowing Ling Tong to look like a jackass, he watched as the slender form wobbled out of the pub, and into the streets, where he fell over, his face hitting a puddle.

"What the fuck are you laughing at?" he yelled, watching as the elder burst into laughter. But that all stopped, when Lu Meng snapped,"Ling Tong. Drunk or not, you will NOT speak to a superior like that. I ought to beat you up for that remark, but I think this is punishment enough."

He lifted his slim form from the streets, where people pointed and laughed, and began to drag him back to the Manor. "You're an officer to the Lord of Wu, do you want these townsfolk to be seeing you like this?" Lu Meng said.

"No..." Ling Tong said with a frown,"I'm sorry, Lord Meng." Lu Meng nodded and said,"Let's just get you home."

When they finally made it back to the Sun Manor, Ling Tong had thrown up three times; once on the streets, once on the steps of the manor, and lastly, right on Lu Meng's priceless robes.

The elder growled and threw Ling Tong on the floor, demanding the maids wash him, and wash his robes. Shirtless, he walked through the halls, when Lu Xun followed. He suddenly held his nose and yelled,"Master Lu, what is that stench?"

Lu Meng turned around and said,"Ling Tong threw up on me..I need a bath." Lu Xun blushed, looking at his mentor's gorgeous body and asked,"You..um...do not require some company?"

"Umm.." Lu Meng said, scratching the back of his head. He didn't know how he should go about this. Yes, there was the attraction, Lu Xun was very easy on the eyes, but he was only a child. And he was nearly pushing thirty, there wasn't anyway that he could possibly..

But he couldn't say no to those puppy eyes, nor could he say no when Lu Xun began to remove his robe and push his mentor down to the baths.

"God, I hate you..." he groaned.

"You're lonely, I can see it. I'll take care of you." Lu Xun said. Lu Meng's eyes grew wide, Lu Xun had no idea how womanly or how whorish he sounded just now. "I..no. I can take care of myself, kid." Lu Meng said, gently pushing the young boy away.

"But I wanted to show you a new strategic idea I had!" Lu Xun said, his puppy eyes growing again. Lu Meng covered his eyes with his hand and said,"Can't you show me some other time?"

"But Master Lu..." Lu Xun whined.

"No, I will not be responsible for this.." Lu Meng said, running down the hall.

Lu Xun sighed and frowned, looking back at the fleeing older man and said,"One day, he's going to sleep with me, and he's going to love it."

Groaning, Ling Tong fell into his bed, after being all cleaned up. His head spinned, and it felt heavy, his whole body felt heavy, and he collapsed to the floor, face to the boards, body on the boards, ass in the air, when Gan Ning went to check up on him.

"Major props...I heard he totally puked on the Old Man..." he said with a laugh, sliding open the door. His eyes grew wide at the sight of Ling Tong's shapely ass in the air, and the slender man groaning on the floor.

"Oh Tongy.." he said with a smirk, diving at him. He grabbed Ling Tong's hips and pushed him against his groin, thrusting, dry humping him, screaming in delight as Ling Tong opened his eyes and realized what was going on.

"Huh...hum..what the...WHAT THE HELL!" LIng Tong asked, his backside being rammed by a covered-and semi-hard-erection. He quickly spun his head, gasping at a smirking Gan Ning dry humping him.

"GET OFF ME, PERVERT!" he shrieked, shoving Gan Ning to the floor. When the pirate hit the floor, he laughed, looking at Ling Tong's angry red face. "Whoa, calm down, princess!" he said, holding up his hand, when Ling Tong took out his nunchaku.

"Die." the slender man simply said. Despite his now-evident hangover, he was still able to wield his nunchaku with poise and grace, swinging his weapon at the ninja, who tried to escape.

Gan Ning screamed, when the weapon swung over his massive blond hair, slashing through the follicles. He ducked and yelped, the nunchaku hitting the wall behind him, creating a hole, where they should have hit his face.

"Calm down, Tong!" Gan Ning yelled. Ling Tong let out a war cry, and dashed at Gan Ning, when Lu Meng ran into the room, a towel wrapped around his waist, barely tied around the flesh, his ass hanging out, giving Lu Xun behind him a grand view.

Ling Tong was scooped up and slammed down to the floor by Lu Meng, and Lu Xun grabbed a hold of Gan Ning. The towel around Lu Meng's waist fell to the floor, and Gan Ning looked up, seeing the old man naked, and laughed.

"Old Man, what the hell? Why are you naked?" he asked, laughing. Though still trying to shake off the effects of the violent Ling Tong. "I was walking back to my bedroom after my bath when I heard the commotion." he replied.

"But you're naked.." Gan Ning said.

"My towel fell off!" Lu Meng shouted.

"Uh huh...alright. Anyway, just get me away from this psycho freak!" Gan Ning snapped. "Alright, let's go." Lu Meng said, pulling Gan Ning out of Lu Xun's arms, and out the door. He grabbed his towel around wrapped it around his waist again, turning to Gan Ning.

But the pirate didn't want to talk.

The two walked to Gan Ning's bedroom at the other side of the castle, when they both entered. Gan Ning sat on his bed, Lu Meng at the other side of the room, sitting on the rocking chair, looking out the window.

By Lu Meng's position, however, Gan Ning had quite the view. Not one he was particular pleased about, however. "Old Man, that's gross, could you at least put on some underpants, no one wants to see your...you know." he said.

Lu Meng yelped and crossed his legs with a blush and said,"My apologies. I would have changed, but your fight with Ling Tong didn't give me the chance."

"Now...would you mind telling me what happened?" he added, looking deep into his eyes.

Gan Ning sighed and said,"I went to go check up on the princess. You know, I was a bit worried, I figured, I'm gonna be the one to kill him, not some alcohol, because he couldn't control his drinking. But when I saw him face first on the floor with his ass in the air, I couldn't resist jumping on him and riding him like a donkey."

Lu Meng chuckled a bit, but became serious again.

"I wish you'd have a better restraint." he said. "Oh, like you don't with Lu Xun?" Gan Ning asked. "Don't talk back to your superior, Gan Ning. And I haven't touched Lu Xun...someone should have a talk with him, he's becoming more and more persistent, I don't like it." Lu Meng said.

"You should be the one to tell him no. Even if it hurts him." Gan Ning said. "Speak for yourself, you can't keep your hands off Ling Tong." Lu Meng said. "Touche, Old Man." Gan Ning said with a wink,"besides, if you don't tell Lu Xun off, he'll keep coming."

"I mean it's not that he isn't attractive...but..I'm nearly thirty, he's what, seventeen? I couldn't!" Lu Meng said. "Yeah, keep denying it. It only makes it worse." Gan Ning said.

Both men looked out the window, and the elder rose from his seat. "I better go get dressed. I suppose I can't avoid Lu Xun forever." he said. Gan Ning chuckled and said,"Well...good luck with that, Old Man."

"How many times did I say not to call me that?" Lu Meng snapped. Gan Ning shooed the elder man out the door, and sighed, laying on his bed, arms over his head, thinking about Ling Tong.

How perfect. From head to toe, Ling Tong was the picture of perfection. That flowing hair, that gorgeous face, that slender body, Gan Ning couldn't get enough. Sure, he loved messing with him, but..maybe he really did like him.

He knew Ling Tong would never give him a chance, but he was stubborn, and he'd fight for anything and everything he wanted. He'd fight for Ling Tong's heart, he decided, even if it kills him.

Lu Meng walked into his bedroom and began to change, when Lu Xun walked into his bedroom. "You wanted to see me earlier..." Lu Meng said, when the boy entered. He lit a candle to light the room, when Lu Xun said,"Yeah..I..I had a few things I wanted to show you, for the upcoming battle."

He walked closer to his mentor, and placed a few scrolls into his hand. Lu Meng opened them and looked upon the paper, reading everything on it, and smiled. "These look pretty good, kid, you're doing a good job."

Lu Xun's face brightened with a large smile, his puppy eyes wide, and he jumped up and down,"Oh thank you, Master Lu! Thank you!" Lu Meng smiled and ran his hand through his student's hair, as Lu Xun mewed like a satisfied kitten.

Before the young boy could speak again, they heard a crash and shrieks coming from Ling Tong's room. They sighed, and Lu Meng shook his head. "Leave them. They'll eventually wear themselves out."

"We should do something about them." Lu Xun said.

"Something that'll really send a shiver up their spines." Lu Meng said.

"Some kind of nasty surprise.." Lu Xun said.

The two looked at each other, deep in thought, when they shouted,"Fake marriage prank!"

"Good idea, boy!" Lu Meng said, slapping hands with his young mentor. Lu Xun blushed and then said,"Alright, so how are we going to do it?" "Easy. Wait until they both knock each other out, then we take them to a chapel in town.." Lu Meng said with a wink.

Lu Xun giggled and said,"Alright, great idea!"

By nightfall, Ling Tong and Gan Ning had finished their little scuffle. One of many. Gan Ning went back into Ling Tong's room, unable to resist messing with him again, when Ling Tong spotted him and attacked once more.

Despite his hangover, his dizziness and weakness, he was still able to fight as agile as ever, getting a few good hits on his rival, before Gan Ning tackled him to the floor, and spanked him over his knee.

Ling Tong shrieked and hit Gan Ning with a lamp, knocking him out, and he eventually passed out from over-exhaustion. With both men effectively knocked out, Lu Meng and Lu Xun snuck into the bedroom, grabbing Ling Tong and Gan Ning.

"Master Lu, Lord Sun Quan is going to kill us when he finds out!" Lu Xun said worriedly.

"Oh relax, he's too busy sleeping with Zhou Tai to even notice anything." Lu Meng said. Lu Xun tilted his head and asked,"Lord Sun Quan and...Lord Zhou Tai?"

"Of course! Isn't it obvious?" Lu Meng asked with a sigh, rolling his eyes. "I guess you're right." Lu Xun said. He carried Gan Ning over his shoulder, Lu Meng carried Ling Tong over his shoulder, and the two left the Sun Manor, with some minor soldiers watching.

"This'll be so classic! I can't wait to see the looks on their faces once they wake up in the morning!" Lu Xun said with a laugh. Lu Meng looked up at the night sky and looked back, to make sure they weren't followed, when they went into town.

"Are there any wedding chapels open this time?" the young boy asked. Lu Meng looked at him and said,"There should be one." "It's going to be expensive." Lu Xun said. "I took money from Lord Sun Quan, but don't worry, he won't notice." Lu Meng sad.

The young boy gasped and said,"What do you mean he won't notice!" "Shh...keep your voice down. And he's too busy with Zhou Tai to notice anything." Lu Meng said.

When they made it into town, they noticed some homeless people laying on the ground, begging for money, drunk and trying to grab on to Lu Xun. The young boy nearly screamed in fright and nearly dropped Gan Ning, when Lu Meng grabbed his arm and dragged him along, ignoring the people's pleas for help.

They noticed some local prostitutes walking around, winking and waving at the two men, but again, they ignored them and kept walking towards their destination; the well-lit and lively wedding chapel at the beginning of the hill.

"Oh this'll be so much fun." Lu Xun said, when the two walked in. A woman at the desk looked at the two and asked,"Can we help you?" Lu Meng and Lu Xun held Gan Ning and Ling Tong up straight and had them hold hands, with the elder saying,"Yeah, I've decided that I wanted to marry my longtime boyfriend."

The woman at the desk laughed and said,"Ok, that'll be-"

"Any price is fine." 'Gan Ning' said, when Lu Meng placed a large amount of money at the desk. The woman gasped at the amount and said,"Right this way!". Lu Meng and Lu Xun wobbled in back of Gan Ning and Ling Tong into the chapel, where a priest waited for them.

Lu Meng figured they were caught by then, or at least found out by the people working at the chapel, but then again, he did place a large amount of money down, so he figured they just simply didn't care.

The woman led them into the chapel, and then left, back to her job at the desk, when the priest looked at Gan Ning and Ling Tong. Lu Meng and Lu Xun had drawn on their eyes, making them appear awake, and stood them up, as both men said their vows in the most romantic way possible.

When they were finished, the priest watched as the men held hands and said,"I do." "Then I now pronounce you husband and...husband. You may now kiss."

Lu Meng and Lu Xun giggled and forced the two to kiss, when the priest slipped wedding bands on their fingers. He handed the two a wedding certificate, and threw rice on the newly married couple.

Once it was all over, the four began their trek to the Manor, hurrying, in fear of the two waking up. They had gotten Gan Ning and Ling Tong to Ling Tong's bed, laying the two men down, and ran back to Lu Meng's bedroom.

"You know they're going to kill you when they find out, right?" Lu Xun said. "Eh, I'll die soon anyway, so don't worry about me." Lu Meng said, removing his clothing. Lu Xun blushed and watched as a nearly naked Lu Meng got into his bed, and shyly asked,"Master Lu, you look so tired, do you need me to keep you company?"

"No. I'll be fine." Lu Meng said with a smile. "Alright. Goodnight, Master Lu." Lu Xun said, running out of the room. The scholar sighed, and fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

Lu Xun began walking back to his room, but decided to pass Ling Tong's room, just to check up on the "Newlyweds". He saw both men on their sides, Gan Ning spooning Ling Tong's slender frame, arm wrapped around his thin waist, head on his shoulder, cuddling him tightly.

"Awww.." he said with a giggle, running away.

Morning couldn't come soon enough for Lu Meng. Just when he hit the bed for sleep, the sun's rays shined into his room, waking him up, blinding him.

"Goddamn it.." he groaned. He looked at the sky and said,"It's early...but they want me at that meeting...", crashing back to his pillow. Just before he was about to go back to sleep...

"WHAT THE HELL? GAN NING! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY BED!"

"Here we go again.." he sighed.

In Ling Tong's bedroom, Ling Tong shrieked a womanly shriek, when he noticed Gan Ning was not only sleeping in his bed, but SPOONING him. Holding him tightly, with that sickening grin on his face.

Hungover to the max, dizzy and feeling drowsy and heavy, he tried to scream again, but Gan Ning held his hand over his mouth. "Shh...do you want to wake up the whole Manor?" he asked. "MMM!" Ling Tong yelled through a muffled mouth. He tried to kick Gan Ning, and force his arm off his waist, when he noticed a wedding ring on his hand.

"Ning? What is that?" Ling Tong asked. "What is what...huh?" Gan Ning asked, looking at the wedding band. "Hahaha!" Gan Ning said,"looks like you've got one, too!"

Ling Tong looked at his hand and gasped.

This could only mean one thing.

He stopped, his heart sank to his toes.

"Oh god no. God no, god no.." he said, his body shaking, his jaw quivering. "What's a matter, baby?" Gan Ning asked with a smirk. "We both have these rings on.." Ling Tong stammered.

"And?" Gan Ning asked,"'ello, what's this?"

"What's what?" Ling Tong asked, holding his breath.

Gan Ning looked at the paper across from the bed and read it to himself, smirking, his laughter high and loud. "BWAAAHHAA! Looks like we're married, Ling Tong!" he yelled.

"Gimme that!" Ling Tong said, snatching the paper from his rival. He looked at it and said,"This document is to acknowledge the union of Ling Tong and Gan Ning into holy matrimony until death do us-OH MY GOD!"

"HAHA!" Gan Ning yelled.

"NO NO NO NO NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ling Tong yelled.

He tried to rip up the paper, when Gan Ning walked out of the bed and took the paper out of his hand. "You know, baby, we didn't have a first kiss, and I'm sure you looked amazing in a wedding dress.." he said, eyes half lidded, voice dripping in seduction.

"Don't...get away from me!" Ling Tong snapped, getting into a karate stance,"I know kung fu stay back!" "Oh come on, wifey...kiss me." Gan Ning said, puckering up.

"Oh I'll kiss you alright." Ling Tong said, slapping Gan Ning's face. The slap was so hard, it stung Gan Ning's face, turning it red, when he said,"Oh, you dirty little bitch." "I know you liked it." Ling Tong said with a smirk.

"Heh." Gan Ning said, sitting back on Ling Tong's bed,"so we're married.." "Only in your mind!" Ling Tong snapped. "And on this paper, it's legal, baby. You're my wife." Gan Ning said. "Psh, I'm the man here." Ling Tong said,"...if need be."

"Oh please. You know you'd be the one on your hands and knees." Gan Ning said,"the one cooking me dinner, cleaning my clothes.." He began walking back to his new wife and said,"The one screaming my name.."

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" Ling Tong shouted.

He screamed and screamed, screaming into the morning.

He couldn't wait to wake up from this nightmare.

* * *

><p>Ok, I made Gan Ning call Ling Tong "Princess", but I don't think I'll keep using that nickname. I don't want it to make it sound like I ripped it from "Not Bad At All", which is one of the best GNLT fics EVAR!

You all MUST read it.

Anyway, my first time diving into this couple, but hell, they're fun! Enjoy!


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

After the initial shock, Ling Tong sighed and looked upon his ring finger. The one wearing that gorgeous diamond ring. He wondered why he was wearing it. Letting it slide upon his slender, thin finger, he watched the ring move slightly, and sighed. "I'll bet you made a blushing bride." Gan Ning said suddenly. He was laying beside Ling Tong in bed, causing him to jump. "How the hell-" Ling Tong said, before Gan Ning laughed and said,"I was always here. You must have passed out from the shock."

The two were silent for a while, then Gan Ning took Ling Tong's finger and looked at the ring. "It's pretty." Something they could agree on, Ling Tong did think it was pretty, too.

"I guess that makes you the wife." he added. "Oh please. I thought we already decided I was the husband." Ling Tong said."Ha! You? You're more woman than Lianshi! How the hell can you possibly be the husband?!" Gan Ning howled in laughter. Rolling his eyes, Ling Tong looked at the ring again. Did he really have a choice? Gan Ning was right, he did look more womanly than Ning did. Not that he would ever admit to it. "So what happens now?" Ling Tong asked.

Gan Ning smirked, and right away, Ling Tong regretted asking. "How's about we go consummate the marriage, hmm?" Gan Ning asked. Ling Tong's response? He proceeded to bash Gan Ning's skull with a pillow. "Hey! Ugh! Ling Tong!" Gan Ning yelled, as he was pummeled by the pillow. "Sorry, princess, I didn't mean to piss you off so bad." he said with a smirk.

Celebrating his victory, Lu Meng sat in his room polishing his pike, when Xiaoqiao banged on the door.

The elder scholar looked outside the window at the lovely landscape, his mind focused solely on the weapon, he didn't even notice her. "Lord Lu Meng!" she yelled. Still, nothing could deter Lu Meng from this. Instead, Xiaoqiao began banging and yelling at the wooden door, obnoxiously.

That got his attention.

"Lord Lu Meng!" she screeched. So loud, that Lu Meng dropped his weapon. The weapon made a loud crash against the floor, causing Xiaoqiao to jump in surprise. In annoyance, Lu Meng opened his door, his eyes glaring upon the small brat. "Can I help you, Lady Xiao?" he pouted and crossed her arms,"Why did you ignore me? I was knocking a million times! That isn't nice!" "Lady Xiao, what do you want?" Lu Meng asked. She held up her hand in annoyance. Lu Meng didn't understand."Yes, it's a hand. And what of it?" he asked. "Do you notice anything different?" she asked.

Uh oh.

Now Lu Meng knew where she was getting at.

To complete the wedding ceremony, Ling Tong needed to wear a gorgeous wedding ring. But he didn't know where to find one, until Lu Xun suggested breaking into Xiaoqiao's room to steal it. "Where's my wedding ring? I've been asking everyone...and...and.." she began to sniffle. Lu Meng mentally prepared himself for the waterworks. "Lord Zhou Yu's going to be so upset that I lost it!" she added with a yell, and began to cry.

Falling to her knees, she began to pound the floor, crying, howling so loud, Lu Meng threw a pillow over himself to drown out the noise.

"Lady Xiao!" he yelled. Not loud enough, as she couldn't hear him over her crying.

"LADY XIAO!" he yelled again. When Xiao sniffled, she looked at Lu Meng, who said,"Pull yourself together, you're a lovely wife, not a toddler. What would Lord Zhou Yu do if he saw you like this? Come on. I'm sure you'll find your ring sometime soon. In the meanwhile, why don't you go do something...something productive?"

"Productive? What does...that-" "Yes, now run along now. I'm a busy man." Lu Meng said, slamming the door behind him. Still pondering what Lu Meng said, Xiaoqiao stared at the closed door in confusion, tilting her head, when Lu Xun walked past her. "Lord Lu Xun?" she asked. The little blond strategist stopped and turned, looking at the utterly confused woman. "Yes, Lady Xiao?" he asked. "Lord Lu Meng said I should do something productive. What does that mean?" she asked.

Before Lu Xun could reply, they both cringed at a loud and very annoyed groan from behind the door. "Um...I think Master Lu Meng needs me right now. You go outside and play, it's a nice day out." Lu Xun said."But-" Xiao whined. "I'm sure your sister would like to play with you, Lady Xiao." Lu Xun said, walking in the room. He slammed the door behind him, when he saw Lu Meng hanging over a chair in defeat. "So what do you want me to do with her, Lord Lu Meng?" he asked, locking the door behind him. Lu Meng looked up at Lu Xun's tight red pants and said,"I..uh...nothing, I guess."

"Oh." Lu Xun said, suddenly feeling dejected,"I was thinking of an effective way of getting rid of her, you know." "Were you? You can't do anything serious, Lord Zhou Yu would freak." Lu Meng said. "Are you kidding? Lord Zhou Yu's been trying to find a way to get rid of her for years!" Lu Xun said.

Suddenly he took out a baseball bat and added,"One quick swing, and bam! She's gone!" Lu Meng gasped and said,"We...we can't kill her! Lu Xun, I didn't know you to be so evil." "Oh Lord Lu Meng...you haven't seen anything yet." Lu Xun said, trying his hardest to sound seductive.

Lu Meng got shivers down his spine.

"Oh shit." he said to himself, when Lu Xun began slowly walking towards him. "Hey...hey...kid...stop." Lu Meng said, as he backed away from Lu Xun. Still, the persistent kid walked towards him, and eventually, Lu Meng hit the wall behind him. As Lu Xun began to smooth talk his master, he moved his leg, kicking the bat out of his hand. He gasped, when the bat flew out of his hand, and hit Lu Meng in the back of his head, knocking him out.

"Lord Lu Meng!" he yelled, when the strategist hit the floor. "Crap!" he yelled, scrambling around the room. He knew he wouldn't be able to pick up Lu Meng, not at his size, and so he tried kicking him under the anyone asked, he'd say he was drunk. Just when he thought he was in the clear, loud knocks came to the door.

"Crap!" Lu Xun yelled again, looking at the door. He tried to figure out who it was, when Gan Ning's loud voice whined,"OLD MAAANNN!", followed by Ling Tong's whining Lu Meng's name. He smirked for a second, knowing the two knew they were married now, and probably wanted to complain to Lu Meng about it. Or at least Ling Tong wanted to. So obvious was Gan Ning's feelings for Ling Tong, yet neither one wanted to admit how they really felt. Well...Ling Tong never missed a chance to explain how much he disliked Gan Ning, while the pirate just laughed it off.

Slowly walking away from Lu Meng's fallen body, Lu Xun's light footsteps made their way to the door, meeting a very angry Ling Tong, and Gan Ning. Not really wearing any anger, but just here for answers. He was just as confused at his own ring. Angrily, Ling Tong stomped into the room and held his hands on his slender hips. Gan Ning's eyes wandered down his body, wearing a warm smile."How drunk was I last night?" Ling Tong asked.

"Hmm?" Lu Xun asked, eyes shifting as he quickly pushed Lu Meng further under his bed. "Hey kid, what are you doing back there?" Gan Ning asked, blond eyebrow raised in curiosity. "Nothing." Lu Xun replied, still shifty-eyed. Crossing his arms, Ling Tong sat on the plushy bed, looking into Lu Xun's brown eyes."Seriously, Boyan, how drunk was I last night?" he asked again. Lu Xun tilted his head like a confused puppy and asked, "What do you mean?" "Look at my hand!" Ling Tong shouted, holding his hand, with the gorgeous ring on his finger.

"Oh? You're...married?" Lu Xun asked, feigning innocence. After all, he was there for the ceremony. "How can you be so complacent about this? I'm married to my father's killer! I hate Gan Ning!" Ling Tong said,"how could I have gotten so drunk that I didn't realize I'd go and get married to this loser?!" "Hey now. You don't have the guts to hate me, Princess." Gan Ning said, walking up to him.

"Guys..." Lu Xun said, when Ling Tong got in Gan Ning's face. "No guts? Don't push me, Gan Ning." Ling Tong snapped. "Oooh, I'm shaking in my boots.." Gan Ning two glared at each other, when Ling Tong rolled his eyes and walked away. "See, I told you! No balls!" Gan Ning said, but quickly retracted his words, when Ling Tong's fist swung at his face.

"Guys..."

The fist collided with Gan Ning's face, the punch digging into his skin, causing the pirate to groan in pain. The area soon became hot, and turned red, the pirate cradling his new wound. "Lucky shot, girly man. Try that shit again and watch what happens!" he yelled, blood dripping from his nose. "Master Gan Ning, your nose!" Lu Xun yelled, running to get a towel. This meant that he had to go through Lu Meng's closet. Not that he didn't mind it. Each piece of clothing has his scent on it. That scent of a bon fire in a autumn night in the forest.

"Lovely.." he thought, holding the brown robe close.

"Yo. Xun, I'm kinda bleeding here, hurry this up." Gan Ning said. "Where's Lord Lu Meng?" Long Tong asked. "He..he's away at a meeting." Lu Xun said, shifting his eyes. He was always so honest, he wasn't used to lying. "Boyan.." both men said, Ling Tong wearing a smirk at Gan Ning's new wound.

"Whose hand is that on the floor then?" Ling Tong asked, looking down. Sure enough, Lu Xun wasn't that good at hiding Lu Meng's body. His little hand was sticking out from under the bed.

Then. It twitched.

Lu Xun and Ling Tong jumped into each other's arms and screamed as Lu Meng began to rise from the floor. "Zombie!" they both yelled. "You idiots! Zombies don't exist! And get your hands off my husband!" Gan Ning yelled.

"Ooohhh...possessive, are we? Don't you know how much that turns me on?" Ling Tong said, walking closer to Gan Ning. Ning looked at Tong with a scared look and said,"What are you doing, Tong?" Ling Tong came closer to him, as if he wanted to kiss him, then he squeezed his nose, making his nosebleed worse.

"Ahhh! What the hell, Ling Tong?!" Gan Ning yelled, as more blood poured from his wound.

Ling Tong smiled in satisfaction, when Lu Xun attended to him. At the same time, Lu Meng grabbed Lu Xun and dragged him away by his collar.

"Lord Lu Meng?" he asked. "Never. Hit. Me. With. A. Bat. Again. Got that?" he growled.

"You hit Old Man with a bat? Go Lu Xun!" Gan Ning yelled, holding a now-bloody handkerchief to his nose."Gan Ning!" Lu Meng yelled. Gan Ning stuck out his tongue, and Lu Meng almost jumped at him, had Lu Xun not held him back."Where the hell did you get the bat from, kid?" Lu Xun shurugged. "In my room, it just happened to be there." Lu Meng wanted to reply, but chose against it. He really didn't want to know.

Finally, Gan Ning's nosebleed was over.

He went to go sit on the edge of the bed, crossing his arms at Lu Meng, when he said,"Old man. What is the reason why Ling Tong and I have these rings on? Seriously." Lu Meng sighed. Of course he couldn't tell them the truth. They'd never forgive him. "I really don't know." he replied, scratching his beard, his eyes feigning innocence. "I guess you guys got so drunk, you didn't know you'd end up married..."

"Does this kind of stuff happen regularly?" Ling Tong asked,"do most members of Wu get so drunk they don't know what they do?"

"No...I suppose you tried to keep up with Gan Ning." Lu Meng said. Once again, he scratched his beard, his eyes, lost in thought. "All this is just making my head hurt. The hit by the bat didn't help either...I'm going to sleep." he said."It's still daytime, Lord Lu Meng." Ling Tong said. "I have a headache." Lu Meng said, glaring at Lu Xun.

Lu Xun's heart skipped a beat, and he held his breath. "Alright, you heard the old man, let's get out of here, Tong." Gan Ning said, grabbing Ling Tong's arm. "Hey! Let me go, asshole!" he yelled, as Gan Ning dragged Ling Tong out of the room. Lu Meng groaned, and took off his robe, getting into the warm red bed sheets.

Forgetting that Lu Xun was there.

Not that he could escape those revolving light brown eyes. "Do you need anything, Lord Lu Meng?" he asked, trying to look as cute as possible. Lu Meng gasped, and looked up, looking at Lu Xun in shock. He really did forget he was there.

"Lord Lu Meng?"

"Out."

"My lord?"

"Out. Now."

Lu Meng pointed at the door, glaring at Lu Xun with a look that said he would tolerate no more protests. And with that, Lu Xun ran out the door. Groaning in annoyance when he heard Ling Tong scream, and glass shatter in his bedroom.


	3. Chapter 3

****well, I can't say that Lianshi wasn't a little bit influenced from Miss Vovo's portrayal in her Ling Tong/Gan Ning fic, hehe. But I do certainly see her as a little silly and could be a little wild when she's not on duty.

Plus, I love humor like this!

Enjoy!

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Three<strong>

The only thing Lianshi was concerned with was the fact that she missed the wedding.

Sun Quan looked at her in shock.

"Stop encouraging them!" he yelled.

She giggled, and waved her hand dismissively.

"Come now. Even Zhou Tai agrees. Right?" she said.

But Zhou Tai wasn't paying attention. Instead, he was staring at Sun Quan's pectorals. The ones that were sticking out of his shirt.

And that reddish brown hair, that almost looked violet.

And those bright green eyes...

"Hey!" Lianshi yelled, snapping her fingers.

"Huh..?"

Zhou Tai turned a deep red, when Lianshi gave him a knowing look, and gave her trademark giggle.

No, it wasn't just a giggle. He was screwed.

And Lianshi had just caught him in the act. No way would she ever let it down.

Besides, she had to redeem herself. She wanted to hook up Ling Tong and Gan Ning, but Lu Meng beat her to the punch.

She's still angry about that.

Angry and unforgiving, she ordered the maids to give him raw meat and cheap village beer for a week.

Plus, she removed his seat from the dinner table, and gave him a child's table.

And so she grinned at Zhou Tai. Her beautiful eyes darting back and forth between him and Sun Quan, a lightbulb going off in her head.

"Oh would you look at the time...I told Lady Shangxiang I would meet her down by the lake for some fishing. See you two later!"

She rose from her seat by Sun Quan's throne, and left the throne room.

Leaving Zhou Tai and Sun Quan alone.

And before she left, she locked the doors and threatened to murder anyone who dared interfere.

"My word, Lady Lianshi, you're ruthless!" Daqiao said with a laugh.

"Just making up for lost time..." she said, flipping her hair as she walked down the hallway.

It was an awkward atmosphere in the throne room.

Both men stared at each other, then looked away once the other took notice.

Then they did it again, until Zhou Tai gasped and said,"Wait a second! Lianshi is allergic to fish!"

Sun Quan's eyes grew wide, and they both ran to the door, only to find it locked and bolted by the outside.

"Hey! Hey!" Sun Quan yelled, pounding on the door.

Zhou Tai went for the sword he always had by his hip, only to find it gone.

"She took my sword!" he yelled.

Once again, Sun Quan's eyes grew wide, mouth agape, when he began to pound on the door again.

"Lianshi..she tricked us!" he yelled.

"Help! Help!" they both yelled, pounding the door again, while Daqiao twirled Zhou Tai's sword, and whistled down the hallway.

"I can't believe you did this without my consent!" Lianshi yelled at Lu Meng, when they all entered Ling Tong's room.

The room was a mess. Glass was all over the place, carpet was ripped up, holes in the wall, the mattress as flipped over, and Ling Tong's clothes drawer was tipped over on its side.

Clothing was also scattered all over the room, along with some tiny blood splatter on the wall.

Gan Ning held another handkerchief to his nose, bleeding again because of Ling Tong's fist.

Lianshi crossed her arms and said,"I should finish you for this. Luckily Sun Quan likes you."

"Uh..how exactly did you find out?" Lu Meng asked.

"Help?" Ling Tong asked, as Gan Ning's nosebleed had finally finished, and he let his hand run shamelessly up Ling Tong's thigh.

"I overheard Gan Ning ask Ling Tong to  
>consummate the marriage, and Ling Tong was complaining about the ring he had on, so I put two and two together." she replied.<p>

"And how did you assume I was responsible?" Lu Meng asked,"for all we know, it could have been Taishi Ci. Or Ding Feng, or even-"

Lianshi wagged her finger,"Taishi Ci never leaves Sun Ce's bedroom. And Ding Feng is always in mine.."

Lu Meng looked on in disgust.

"I did not need to know that!" he yelled, suddenly getting the image of a very naked Ding Feng in between crimson sheets.

"Think sexy thoughts...think sexy thoughts..think sexy thoughts.."

Then an image of Lu Xun appeared in his mind.

"Damn it!"

"Hey..hey..a little help here?" Ling Tong asked, when he found his neck bitten by Gan Ning.

"And what about Zhou Yu? It could have been him!" Lu Meng yelled, finally returning to reality.

Lianshi only giggled.

"Zhou Yu is currently looking for the strongest tree to hang a noose from." she replied.

"Uh..a noose?" he asked.

She nodded.

Then they both gave each other a knowing smile and said,"Xiaoqiao."

But that smile quickly faded, once they began to argue again.

"Why wasn't I invited?" she asked.

"Honestly, I didn't even know anything about it. They came into my room screaming about it the other day. I mean..I guess they got so drunk, they didn't know they got married." he said.

For a second, she was confused. But then she realized he was playing coy.

She may have known the true story-that Lu Meng and Lu Xun kidnapped the two and got them married at a 24/7 chapel, but that didn't mean they had to know.

They'd just keep telling the lie.

"Rape! Rape!"

Lu Meng and Lianshi looked over on the bed(that had somehow been put back together)to find Gan Ning on top of Ling Tong, nibbling on his neck, as he tried putting his hand down Ling Tong's pants.

Instead of helping, Lianshi turned red and giggled like a schoolgirl.

Lu Meng, on the other hand, struggled to rip them apart.

"Oh no you don't!" she yelled, diving at Lu Meng. She missed, and flew over the bed, almost hitting her head on the wall.

Her skirt flipped up, giving the three a view to die for.

Black panties, and an ass that just won't quit!

Gan Ning clenched his fist, holding his hand back, holding back the urge to slap her ass.

Instead, Lu Meng took care of that.

Jokingly, he tapped her bum lightly, causing her to spin around and slap Lu Meng so hard, he fell to the floor.

That was when Lu Xun arrived.

And everything had occurred before his innocent eyes; Gan Ning molesting Ling Tong, Lianshi diving at Lu Meng, Lu Meng slapping her ass, and Lianshi slapping his face.

"Uh..."

"Hi Lu Xun!" everyone said.

"Uh..I think I should-"

He backed away.

"No! No! Stay here for a while!" Ling Tong said. Hopefully..Gan Ning wouldn't dare go further with Lu Xun around, right?

Right?

Before Ling Tong could blink, Gan Ning had him against the wall, ready to molest him once more.

"HELP!" Ling Tong yelled.

Lianshi gasped, and covered Lu Xun's eyes, pushing him out of the room.

Then she rolled Lu Meng's body out of the room.

And sat on the floor cross legged, watching the boys with a wide, hopeful smile.

"Lady Lianshi! You're the Empress, you're supposed to be saving your husband's warriors from this kind of stuff!" Ling Tong yelled, his words drowning in Gan Ning's kisses.

"First off, Sun Quan and I are best friends, we only got married because he didn't trust any other woman to become his Empress, and Lady Shangxiang couldn't be chosen."

"Second..I didn't tell you two to stop!"

Gan Ning and Ling Tong looked at her in surprise.

Who knew their Empress was this wild?

They had always seen her as calm, if not stern around the castle, and within the court.

Charming, happy, always smiling, giving a listening ear, a tight hug, a warm meal.

But behind doors, she was a real hell raiser.

It couldn't be helped. Gan Ning wanted Ling Tong, who wanted Lianshi's help, who wanted to watch.

Ling Tong turned his head.

"Hey! Did you hear that? Lady Lianshi, Lady Shangxiang is calling you!"

Lianshi rose up from the floor.

She gasped and said,"What? The Princess is calling me?!"

"Yeah, and it sounds urgent!" he yelled.

Gan Ning tried to protest, but he was met with Ling Tong's fist.

"But I don't..hear-"

"Go, go Lady Lianshi, you don't want to make the Princess wait!" Ling Tong yelled.

"Right away! I'm coming, Princess!" she yelled, fleeing the room.

But not before stepping on Lu Meng's face.

Yes, Lu Xun stood outside Ling Tong's bedroom with Lu Meng's unconscious body, just admiring how he looked when he slept.

"That's creepy, man.." Ling Tong said, as he managed to flee Gan Ning's hold.

He ran in the opposite direction, before Gan Ning could get up, and chase after him.

Meanwhile, in the throne room, Sun Quan and Zhou Tai finally broke free from their prison, and ran head first into Ling Tong, knocking him down.

..thus leading him right back to Gan Ning.

Ling Tong facepalmed.

This day just couldn't get any worse.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

"Hey! Hey!"

Taishi Ci knocked on Zhou Yu's door early in the morning. He was getting ready to go out for his morning training, but realized that his rods were missing.

As he usually frequents Sun Ce's bedroom, he knew they weren't there, nor in his own room.

And knowing Zhou Yu's recent desires to kill himself, he thought he might find them there.

A groggy and sleep deprived Zhou Yu answered the door, with disheveled hair and bags under his eyes, looking more pale than ever.

"Y-yes?" he asked.

"Lord Zhou Yu..I apologize for waking you up at such an hour, but..my weapons are missing...do you know where they might be?" Taishi Ci asked.

Zhou Yu blinked, yawned and replied,"Nope..sorry.", and closed the door, fainting on his carpet, falling back asleep, while Xiaoqiao kept blabbing on about nothing.

Despite him locking and barricading the door, Xiaoqiao somehow managed to get inside Zhou Yu's room and talk to him all night.

Not once stopping for water or for a meal. Or even to breathe.

Zhou Yu actually wished he had Taishi Ci's weapons in his possession, so he could beat the annoying Qiao to a bloody pulp.

...yeah right. Zhou Yu the handsome gentleman would never harm a woman...no, he would probably kill himself instead.

Before Taishi Ci could turn around, Da Qiao quickly ran past him, holding his weapons.

She had a task to complete, and she couldn't fail.

At the other side of the castle, Lu Meng entered the massage parlor.

Taking Lu Su's advice, he decided to ease his mind-and his back pain-with a massage.

But what Lu Meng didn't take account for was Lianshi lurking in the shadows.

Yes, she chopped the poor masseuse in the back of the head, knocking her out, wishing to personally relieve Lu Meng of his ails.

With Taishi Ci's rods that she got from Da Qiao, she licked her lips at the ever-comfortable body of Lu Meng, only in his underpants, laying on his stomach, and held the weapons over him.

WHACK!

Lu Meng screamed as one of the rods hit him.

Lianshi bit her lip to keep from laughing out loud, when she hit him again with the other rod.

It continued on, Lianshi beating Lu Meng's back again and again with the rods, his body thrashing with each painful scream, until he finally turned around, and grabbed the rods, staring into Lianshi's eyes.

"I should have known it was you, Lianshi!" he yelled.

Lianshi merely laughed and tried to break the hold, but Lu Meng was too strong.

The two struggled, and he knocked her to the floor, throwing the rods aside.

He then wrapped a towel around his waist and tried to escape, but Lianshi got a good grip of the towel.

Meanwhile, Lu Xun was walking through that same hallway...

The door opened, and right when Lu Meng walked out, Lianshi ripped off his towel.

And Lu Xun had seen everything.

"Lord Lu Meng!" he yelled in shock, face completely crimson.

Lu Meng held his hands to his front to make sure the young prodigy wouldn't see a thing, as Lianshi burst out laughing.

Her laughter rang through the halls, eventually waking up Ling Tong, who walked down the hall to see the commotion.

"What the heck is going on here? I'm trying to sl-"

"-Lady Lianshi..why do you have Master Taishi Ci's weapons?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." the lovely Empress said, throwing the rods away.

She threw them right to Taishi Ci, who happily skipped to his training grounds, where Sun Ce awaited.

..and had been waiting for the past hour.

"It's always some kind of trouble with you two." Ling Tong snapped, walking back to his room.

"Hey! Stop being a cranky bitch and apologize to Old Man immediately!" Gan Ning yelled, walking up to the group.

Ling Tong flipped off Gan Ning and slammed his door, barricading it, and slumped to his bed.

But sleep wouldn't come easy, as Gan Ning pounded on his door.

He knew that Ling Tong had problems sleeping. So he knew that he was still awake. Banging on the door didn't work. Neither did him jingling his bells and dancing. All that did was make Lu Meng point and laugh at him.

So he decided to implement the secret weapon.

Xiaoqiao.

He brought the babbling dirty-blonde girl to his door, putting ear plugs on, and let her talk about nothing.

Finally, Ling Tong had enough.

"What the hell do you want." Ling Tong snapped bitterly, glaring right through Xiaoqiao, looking right at Gan Ning. "Ahh...wifey-poo finally opened her door. Move aside, woman!" Gan Ning said, pushing Xiaoqiao aside. He walked into Ling Tong's room, closing and locking the door, as Xiaoqiao skipped away.

"Gan Ning!" Ling Tong yelled, shielding his body from his grabby hands. "Oh come on, it's time we finally got to enjoying our marriage!" Ning yelled happily, pushing Ling Tong to the bed.

"No! Get off me!" Ling Tong yelled, throwing Gan Ning to the floor. He picked up his nunchucks, and got ready to fight, when Han Dang burst into the room. Gan Ning screamed at the intrusion, and jumped into Ling Tong's arms. Ling Tong raised an eyebrow and said,"Really now?" "Oh shut up, I was just surprised by that guy...that's all." Ning replied.

Ling Tong threw Gan Ning to the floor, as Han Dang began looking in the room for something. He circled around the room, the two men watched on, completely perplexed, when Ning finally said,"Wait a second, who the hell are you? And what are you doing in here?" The man glared at him, as the blonde's eyes grew wide in fright. "Oh shit..." he muttered.

"Hello! My name is Han Dang! Don't you remember me? We fought together once before!" he yelled. "Ok...ok, whoever you are, you mind leaving my room? We're kinda busy here.." Ling Tong said.

"T-tong..?" Gan Ning asked to himself, when the brunette pushed the man out of his room.

"What are you looking at?" Ling Tong snapped, looking at Gan Ning, who was giving him a confused and dreamy look. "Nothing." Gan Ning said, leaving the room.

For a second, he thought he saw something different in Ling Tong. The way he was so quick to get rid of that guy, the way he said that they were "busy", he thought, maybe he actually did want to spend time with him. But as soon as they were alone, it was the same old Tong.

As Gan Ning slowly walked back to his room, Lu Meng wrestled with Lianshi in the hallway, as Ding Feng tried to pull them apart. Lu Xun couldn't pry his eyes away from each part of skin exposed from Lu Meng with each movement he made.

And Gan Ning ignored it all as he went to bed.


End file.
